‘That Freudian Fish Thing and Thou’
…And Bob the Kiwi didst return to earth and go unto the Kwick-E Mart in Hackensack, New Jersey to buyeth an ice cream sandwich.
But there was a great deal of back story involved, which the Demigod David didst learn of, but in his dimness, didst forget to writeth down.
And this is what little is known, or perhaps made-up, of the back story of Bob the Kiwi (as not chronicled by the Demigod David):
In a certain High School Library, Derrick once shavèd a kiwi with a spoon; he didst keep it in a plant over in that corner.
And the kiwi— which Derrick had named ‘Bob’— didst read of ancient texts and didst study the Dark Arts. And in time, the kiwi didst read every evil and cursèd book in the High School Library, including the entire Martha Stewart Library.
One day, the kiwi didst disappear, as if it had grown legs and took a walk, and left him all alone.
And Derrick di
‘The Chapter That Careth’
(And Doth Never Let Thee Down*)
‘…Say what?’ spake The Man.
‘I said, “May I tell thee a joke?” ’ quoth Scoot.
‘ ’Twas a simple enough question, dingleballs!’ quoth Nori.
‘If that is thy last request,’ spake The Man. ‘I was not sure I heard thee right. Fine. Tell thy stupid joke. I haven’t got all day.’
‘Yes. Of course,’ quoth Scoot. ‘It goeth like this:
‘One day, Confucius doth return from a visit to the Buddha. And the Enlightened One told him that he shouldst get out more and seeketh greater enlightenment. So Confucius went unto the circus which was in town that day.’
‘So let me getteth this straight…’ spake The Man. ‘Confucius went unto a circus in search of enlightenment?’
‘Aye,’ quoth Scoot. ‘So Confucius went forth unto the circus, and
‘ “…But That Burp Was Burly!” ’
And the Enterprise’s saucer didst separate and crash-land on Earth, and the people didst say; ‘Here cometh the fortune cookies! Here cometh the fortune cookies! They art wearing paper hats!’
For drinking Pepsi shalt bring back thine ancestors, and they didst walk down the street looting the world of the living. (After all, what didst thou think was going to happen?)
Though all was silent in the Halls of the Dead, the Machines That Make Nothing waited there until a blinking green light turned red. For the Operator sayeth: ‘Thy call is very important but hath no value.’
For the streets of South City were in chaos, after the Enterprise accidentally beamed down a cargo hold full of Tribbles, instead of much-needed asswipe.
And the Low Men were out cruising for eighth-graders, for they had taped the weather channel so that they c
‘ “Maybe ’Tis the Baloney Talking…” ’
And in the eighth second of the eighth minute of the eighth hour of the eighth day of the eighth month of the eighth year, a goat didst sneeze…
And it was good.
Then sayeth the Chicken, to clams in the clouds, to vibrating spiders to the air conditioner to thee: ‘How strange thou art!’
But no one kneweth who “thee” was, so the cute little animals didst look amongst themselves and shruggeth their shoulders.
And their collective shruggings didst cause a great disturbance in the Force which didst cause a butterfly to be blown off course and flitteth into the Sexy Way Station.
And the people didst see the butterfly and Sid Vicious said unto them: ‘Get thy throwdown swerve on! ’Tis a sign!’
For the voluptuous man crowd-surfeth with a 1000 neon monkeyz, powa of tha Jade Giraffe, and frowny-face was a hothead.
But when Irish refrigerators began smiling, and